On a lighter note - The SEO "Expert"

'Can I speak to the person who looks after your website?' says the voice. Bearing in mind we publish nine news sites, I asked which website? 'YOUR website he replied'. For an easy life I said you can talk to me.   

He didn’t bother introducing himself or himself or even bothering to ask my name 'We have done some research and we can get your website to page 1 on Google, guaranteed!' 'Guaranteed?' I said, 'Guaranteed!' was the sharp, confident reply. 'Tell me more'

'I knew you would be interested' said the voice and then went in to full pitch without even breathing…I heard 'blast you into Google stratosphere' 'you will have a constant flow of traffic beating at your door for your products' interesting as we dont actually sell anything on our sites...'our unique software will literally propel you to page 1 on Google within 7 days' Enough! I thought

'Let me just stop you there—page 1 for what keywords?' I reasonably enquired. 'Anyone's you want' says the excitable sales jockey. 'OK I am a business technology journalist can you get me on page 1 for that term?' 'Absolutely! All we need to do is set up the account now and you will be on page 1 next week, have you got your credit card there?' he asked –'Yes thank you' 'Superb!' he says 'Can you just give me the long number on your card……………………….?'

'Wait a minute, I have got a couple of questions for you?' – 'Shoot he says.' I was tempted! but simply asked 'which website are you talking about?' 'www.iainfraser.net' 'OK you mentioned at the outset that you had done some research into my web positioning, so what keywords were you researching?'  slightly put out he declared 'I don’t actually know because I work on customer acquisition it was one of our tech experts' there's that word again I thought.

I knew my wine was getting warm and the time had come the walrus said – 'Sorry I didn’t get the name of your company?' so he gave me his url 'Ok and how would you describe your company' I asked 'What do you mean?' 'Well I am a business technology journalist so that’s how I would describe my business…for example what’s your business tag line?' now sounding really confused or out of his depth he said 'I am not sure what you mean'

Ok let me help you out [meanwhile the Satan on my shoulder is saying put the phone down and go to the pub! but I resisted] 'You offer SEO to businesses, Yes?' 'Yes' returning to confident mode 'Ok so I would describe you as a Business SEO company!' 'Oh I see, yes we are a Business SEO company'

'So far so good, so my next question is, and I am just searching Google myself, is that you must surely appear on page 1 of Google for Business SEO Company – Agreed?'  'Suppose so' 'Well if you can get me page 1 guaranteed, surely you guys got yourself page 1 first – NO?' No reply this time, so clearly nothing on the pitch to provide an answer this potential question!  but I carried on unabated, the problem I have is that I am now on page 3 and can’t find you anywhere!  'Erm yes we are, aren’t we?' 'No chap you are not! and I think on that note we should end this conversation and I will go and have the drink that has been waiting for me for the past 18 minutes….' 'Just a minute' says the voice 'My manager wants to talk to you'

Before I got a chance to decline his kind offer on comes John, informing me that he was "Steve's" manager. Before he could puff out his chest, I jumped in and said 'thank you guys, I have a boring trip back to Malaga in the morning and I have been racking my brains for a good blog post to write on the journey but you have provided me with the perfect story.'

Peace & Love,

Yours Aye,

IainF